LOL, Douchebags

Douchebag of the Week (June 20-26)

It takes a very special breed to be assaulted in public and somehow fail to earn sympathy, but perhaps this is the reason the term “drama queen” was invented. The moniker certainly fits for Perez Hilton, a.k.a. Mario Armando Lavandeira, the blogger who seemed to be riding high for being a fabulously gay “gossip gangsta” leading a homosexual witch hunt and occasionally costing Christians a chance at Miss USA pageants.

But last week, Hilton’s charm began evaporating after a June 22 altercation with the entourage of the Black Eyed Peas in Toronto. While there was some immediate suspicion about the whole episode being a pathetic publicity stunt (in times of great distress, Perez obviously believes tweeting is preferrable to dialing 911), Hilton rather quickly managed to prove just how much deeper a hole he could dig himself into.

Hilton’s video “statement” was so laughable it even inspired somebody to give Breckin Meyer work again for a spoof, but perhaps more telling was the demand from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) for the openly gay blogger to apologize for calling Will.I.Am a “faggot.”

“I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent,” Hilton originally said in response. Even Kelly Clarkson didn’t feel sorry for him.

But when he did decide to turn around and take GLAAD up on the apology suggestion, lo and behold, Perez suddenly found himself being asked to apologize once again.

So what’s the net gain for Hilton? Well, considering he’d just launched a new site less than a week before all the hype began (what a coincidence!), it appears that the numbers for the month of June have been pretty staggering—even if his actions did cost him, by some estimates, nearly 1 million followers on Twitter.

Since Hilton has long held the belief that he his helping civil rights by outing celebrities with the help of Microsoft Paint, we feel that we should logically follow suit and help mankind by outing Lavandeira for the megalomaniacal, self-absorbed douchebag he truly is.

Douchebag of the Week (June 13-19)

It seems Juan Williams has been having a little bit of an identity crisis, but his latest appearance on the June 15 O’Reilly Factor should simplify the matter. Instead of wondering what to replace his former NPR affiliation with when Williams is likening the struggles of the anti-abortion crowd to the plight of the civil rights movement, we proudly offer our new, no-spin suggested title of Bill O’Reilly’s personal douchebag.

Douchebags of the Week (June 6-12)

Sweet niblets, Miley Cyrus fans! With the help of her trusted handlers, Miley is to hopefully mature and crossover from her Hannah Montana fame to an assuredly older, even larger audience—she’s just not going to do it by growing up and answering any questions her handlers have not already pre-approved, of course.

Last Friday, Miley and her PR team pulled a double-whammy—hanging up on the MJ Morning Show after a question about something Jamie Foxx said, and then there was the eerie computerized voice that responded on Miley’s behalf when the tweenster was being asked about how often she actually sees her own bank account during a segment on KLUC in Las Vegas.

Excuse us, Miley, but weren’t you just telling Parade how much you “love the challenges” in your life?

Well, then you’re going to love the one you’ve got right now. Because as long as you continue to do interviews where you never get a question you don’t already have an answer to—or bail on the ones in which you get asked anything mildly unexpected—then you are allowing your career to be managed by douchebags. And by continuing to be marionette to their manipulator, you forever risk becoming one of them.

Douchebags of the Week (May 30-June 5)

As AntiKris put it:

I am sick of looking at these two….and their litter.  Why do we care?  Why are these victims of really bad haircuts and a clown car vagina something newsworthy?

Your editors here at LOL couldn’t agree more and want to finally call end to the tiring ritual of quietly nominating either one of these obvious perpetual douchebags any longer. So if you’d like to debate whether Jon or Kate is the bigger and more horrifying of the pair, go right ahead. To us, if the Octomom is getting more attention via the reality show, then humanity is better served by no longer mentioning this show or its stars at all.

We certainly hope that as many of the “Plus 8” as possible can avoid the hereditary form of the disease and eventually call out their parents for—and not, hopefully, continue to bask in—a childhood built upon exploitation.

nedhepburn:

this guy is so rad. look at him. he is the definition of what a 7 year old kid thinks is cool. he literally sprang from that kids imagination and appears before us.

look at dude drinking out of a straw in the background. straws are tragic. straws are cool only in coke bottles and you’re leaning against a wall.

Douchebag of the Week (May 23-29)

Is it 2011 yet? We’ll leave the open calls for sending a man to an early grave in the hands of Fox News, but perhaps Roland Burris could do all of us a favor and not worry about adding more time in the U.S. Senate to that list of achievements at the mausoleum he’s already constructed for himself. If he took the time to actually consider the people he’s supposedly representing, he could etch “2009” in as the conclusion to one very sorry episode that got even sorrier last week.

Federal wiretaps released on Tuesday revealed Burris more or less begging the brother of Illinois’ first impeached governor for the Senate appointment. Burris’ excuse?:

Sen. Roland Burris (D-Ill.) said Wednesday that his comments about donating money to then-Gov. Rod R. Blagojevich’s campaign fund in November were intended only to “placate” the governor’s brother and keep Burris’ Senate prospects alive.

Oh, right. Placating, of course. Only to Roland Burris could it possibly make sense that his actions didn’t constitute an ethical violation because he was lying.

While the Republicans don’t have the muscle and the Democrats don’t have the spine to ouster Burris, it’s discouraging all the same that nobody can manage to do what Burris should have done quite some time ago and rid the nation’s capital of one more douchebag.