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09/20/2009 20:59
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Douchebags of the Week (Sept. 5-11)
While this is probably not an actual photograph of the douchebag-in-question, we’re relatively confident that Mark Whicker and the editors at the Orange Country Register can’t object to our laziness in publishing it as such since it was one of the results that came up when we did a Google Image search for the sports columnist. Who has time for considering such things when your only concern is just filling space—regardless of how ill-conceived the ideas are?
Last Monday, Whicker took on a whole new angle to the incredible developments in the case of Jaycee Lee Dugard, who was abducted in 1991 and resurfaced some 18 years later. If anything exemplifies a clear case of a newspaper columnist “phoning it in,” then Whicker’s decision to exploit the horrific story as an excuse to bullet-point whatever random collection of sports stories came to mind certainly takes the cake.
It’s shocking that after more than two decades in the business, Whicker didn’t have the common sense to realize how terribly inappropriate and shameless this would strike every rational person as being; it’s even worse that none of the editors above him had the decency or respect for their audience to tell the columnist to go back to his desk and do some real work.
Naturally, the reaction was swift and universal condemnation. Deadspin called it “the single worst piece of sports journalism ever committed to the page.” A reaction piece on The Huffington Post was titled, “Orange County Register Publishes The Single Most Tasteless Sports Column In The History Of Written Language.” And when Michael David Smith at AOL Fanhouse spoke to Whicker about the feedback, the writer claimed he was “surprised by the angry tone of the reaction“—which he also called “extreme.”
And perhaps you couldn’t blame Whicker for thinking the idea wasn’t going to cause the shitstorm that it did—because he used the same concept in the same year Dugard went missing for a column attempting to tell Terry Anderson, the longest-held American hostage in Lebanon during that country’s 15-year long civil war, about the notable sports events that he’d missed.
Of course, Whicker didn’t recall any negative feedback to that column and blamed the reaction on the “speed the enormity of the Internet”:

“I’m a little saddened by the tone of some of the responses because I think it says a lot about what’s out there in computer-land,” Whicker said. “I’ve had some e-mailers say, ‘Why don’t you write about 9/11 while you’re at it?’ Another person said, ‘Why don’t you write about the Holocaust next?’ I think that’s a really obscene thing to say.”

Is it really? As the best satire has a way of doing, there was an awful lot of truth to the imagined line-by-line response Dugard would have had to the piece:

How long before she fully digests the world she re-enters? How difficult to adjust to such cataclysmic change?
The hardest part for me in this trying and nightmarish time is not knowing what happened in sports in the last 18 years. It’s been nearly as tough to deal with as all the constant rapes.

While we can certainly understand that your editors here at LOL may be joining the mob mentality that is “America at our self-aggrandizing, self-righteous, politically correct worst” as Keith Scherer said in Rob Neyer’s reaction post over at ESPN.com—right before the web site showed it’s own journalistic integrity and axed the piece.
We feel confident, however, that much like that douchebag we found on the side of the country a few weeks back, Whicker and his editors in the O.C. are emblematic of the very reasons print journalism’s health continues to suffer. While every columnist will have their occasional misfire, if newspapers continue to pump out opinions that have seemingly had little to no editorial thought given to them, who’s to blame the public for not giving any more thought to their product either?

Douchebags of the Week (Sept. 5-11)

While this is probably not an actual photograph of the douchebag-in-question, we’re relatively confident that Mark Whicker and the editors at the Orange Country Register can’t object to our laziness in publishing it as such since it was one of the results that came up when we did a Google Image search for the sports columnist. Who has time for considering such things when your only concern is just filling space—regardless of how ill-conceived the ideas are?

Last Monday, Whicker took on a whole new angle to the incredible developments in the case of Jaycee Lee Dugard, who was abducted in 1991 and resurfaced some 18 years later. If anything exemplifies a clear case of a newspaper columnist “phoning it in,” then Whicker’s decision to exploit the horrific story as an excuse to bullet-point whatever random collection of sports stories came to mind certainly takes the cake.

It’s shocking that after more than two decades in the business, Whicker didn’t have the common sense to realize how terribly inappropriate and shameless this would strike every rational person as being; it’s even worse that none of the editors above him had the decency or respect for their audience to tell the columnist to go back to his desk and do some real work.

Naturally, the reaction was swift and universal condemnation. Deadspin called it “the single worst piece of sports journalism ever committed to the page.” A reaction piece on The Huffington Post was titled, “Orange County Register Publishes The Single Most Tasteless Sports Column In The History Of Written Language.” And when Michael David Smith at AOL Fanhouse spoke to Whicker about the feedback, the writer claimed he was “surprised by the angry tone of the reaction“—which he also called “extreme.”

And perhaps you couldn’t blame Whicker for thinking the idea wasn’t going to cause the shitstorm that it did—because he used the same concept in the same year Dugard went missing for a column attempting to tell Terry Anderson, the longest-held American hostage in Lebanon during that country’s 15-year long civil war, about the notable sports events that he’d missed.

Of course, Whicker didn’t recall any negative feedback to that column and blamed the reaction on the “speed the enormity of the Internet”:

“I’m a little saddened by the tone of some of the responses because I think it says a lot about what’s out there in computer-land,” Whicker said. “I’ve had some e-mailers say, ‘Why don’t you write about 9/11 while you’re at it?’ Another person said, ‘Why don’t you write about the Holocaust next?’ I think that’s a really obscene thing to say.”

Is it really? As the best satire has a way of doing, there was an awful lot of truth to the imagined line-by-line response Dugard would have had to the piece:

How long before she fully digests the world she re-enters? How difficult to adjust to such cataclysmic change?

The hardest part for me in this trying and nightmarish time is not knowing what happened in sports in the last 18 years. It’s been nearly as tough to deal with as all the constant rapes.

While we can certainly understand that your editors here at LOL may be joining the mob mentality that is “America at our self-aggrandizing, self-righteous, politically correct worst” as Keith Scherer said in Rob Neyer’s reaction post over at ESPN.com—right before the web site showed it’s own journalistic integrity and axed the piece.

We feel confident, however, that much like that douchebag we found on the side of the country a few weeks back, Whicker and his editors in the O.C. are emblematic of the very reasons print journalism’s health continues to suffer. While every columnist will have their occasional misfire, if newspapers continue to pump out opinions that have seemingly had little to no editorial thought given to them, who’s to blame the public for not giving any more thought to their product either?

09/15/2009 20:00
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Douchebag of the Week (Aug. 28-Sept. 4)
This here is Tim, a.k.a. onefootinthegrave, a.k.a. Hannibal Cash Esq.
He was kind enough to warn everybody on August 30, “During football season I may reach Masshole levels of arrogant douchebaggery.” He’s certainly got the pose down pretty good, we’ll give him that. But Tim can be forgiven for taking pride in his World Champion Steelers or, in a few more months, World Champion Penguins. Heck, even Pittsburgh’s baseball team recently claimed a title of their own.
But it’s funny because we were actually thinking of Tim that day when former veep Dick Cheney decided to emerge from his bunker and take to the morning airwaves of Fox News Sunday. When host Chris Wallace brought up some of the specific interrogation techniques mentioned in the inspector general’s report—such as waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed a mere, oh, 183 times—Cheney didn’t fail to display his contempt for the Constitution:

“Chris, my sort of overwhelming view is that the enhanced interrogation techniques were absolutely essential in saving thousands of American lives and preventing further attacks against the United States, and giving us the intelligence we needed to go find Al Qaeda, to find their camps, to find out how they were being financed. Those interrogations were involved in the arrest of nearly all the Al Qaeda members that we were able to bring to justice. I think they were directly responsible for the fact that for eight years, we had no further mass casualty attacks against the United States.
It was good policy. It was properly carried out. It worked very, very well.”

That’s rather odd, because while Cheney was calling Attorney General Eric Holder’s decision to ask a former prosecutor to review CIA interrogations of high-profile terrorism suspects a “political move,” that very same day down the dial on CBS’ “Face the Nation,” John McCain—you know, the guy who was the Republican candidate for president just one year ago and is still very much a member of the GOP—seemed to have a slightly different take on that effectiveness:

“I think these interrogations once publicized helped al-Qaeda recruit. I got that from an al Qaeda operative in a prison camp in Iraq. I think the ability to work with our allies was harmed.”

But silly John, what would he know—having only been a prisoner of war and being subjected to extreme torture for a mere five and a half years?
Of course, it got us thinking back to February of this year when Cheney was saying how he feared that “the people populating Obama’s ranks put too much faith in negotiation, persuasion, and good intentions”—because that’s, um … a bad thing?
You might say that comment back then rubbed Tim the wrong way:

What the fuck do you know about keeping this country safe you warmongering cocksucker?
When you die, I will go to jail for pissing on your grave.

As far as we’re concerned, Tim’s earned the right to boast about the Steelers, the Pens, or whatever the hell he wants. Rest assured that when Dick Cheney’s soulless, douchebag carcass is mercifully put six feet under, we’ll be right there pissing alongside him.

Douchebag of the Week (Aug. 28-Sept. 4)

This here is Tim, a.k.a. onefootinthegrave, a.k.a. Hannibal Cash Esq.

He was kind enough to warn everybody on August 30, “During football season I may reach Masshole levels of arrogant douchebaggery.” He’s certainly got the pose down pretty good, we’ll give him that. But Tim can be forgiven for taking pride in his World Champion Steelers or, in a few more months, World Champion Penguins. Heck, even Pittsburgh’s baseball team recently claimed a title of their own.

But it’s funny because we were actually thinking of Tim that day when former veep Dick Cheney decided to emerge from his bunker and take to the morning airwaves of Fox News Sunday. When host Chris Wallace brought up some of the specific interrogation techniques mentioned in the inspector general’s report—such as waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed a mere, oh, 183 times—Cheney didn’t fail to display his contempt for the Constitution:

“Chris, my sort of overwhelming view is that the enhanced interrogation techniques were absolutely essential in saving thousands of American lives and preventing further attacks against the United States, and giving us the intelligence we needed to go find Al Qaeda, to find their camps, to find out how they were being financed. Those interrogations were involved in the arrest of nearly all the Al Qaeda members that we were able to bring to justice. I think they were directly responsible for the fact that for eight years, we had no further mass casualty attacks against the United States.

It was good policy. It was properly carried out. It worked very, very well.”

That’s rather odd, because while Cheney was calling Attorney General Eric Holder’s decision to ask a former prosecutor to review CIA interrogations of high-profile terrorism suspects a “political move,” that very same day down the dial on CBS’ “Face the Nation,” John McCain—you know, the guy who was the Republican candidate for president just one year ago and is still very much a member of the GOP—seemed to have a slightly different take on that effectiveness:

“I think these interrogations once publicized helped al-Qaeda recruit. I got that from an al Qaeda operative in a prison camp in Iraq. I think the ability to work with our allies was harmed.”

But silly John, what would he know—having only been a prisoner of war and being subjected to extreme torture for a mere five and a half years?

Of course, it got us thinking back to February of this year when Cheney was saying how he feared that “the people populating Obama’s ranks put too much faith in negotiation, persuasion, and good intentions”—because that’s, um … a bad thing?

You might say that comment back then rubbed Tim the wrong way:

What the fuck do you know about keeping this country safe you warmongering cocksucker?

When you die, I will go to jail for pissing on your grave.

As far as we’re concerned, Tim’s earned the right to boast about the Steelers, the Pens, or whatever the hell he wants. Rest assured that when Dick Cheney’s soulless, douchebag carcass is mercifully put six feet under, we’ll be right there pissing alongside him.

09/10/2009 16:35
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Joe Wilson
Office number: 202-225-2452 and @CongJoeWilson on Twitter.

Joe Wilson

Office number: 202-225-2452 and @CongJoeWilson on Twitter.

09/09/2009 21:25
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Douchebag of the Week (Aug. 22-28)
This heartwarming tweet from talk show host Neal Boortz comes via Tumblr’s abbyjean:

Boortz has also called the overwhelmingly black, poor victims of the Katrina disaster in New Orleans “human parasites” and “deadbeats,” even suggesting that a victim of Hurricane Katrina consider prostitution instead of “sucking off taxpayers.” Although Katrina’s devastation cost this nation $80 billion, killed thousands, and displaced a million people, Boortz believes “Katrina cleansed New Orleans.” (thinkprogress)
not just douchey, repugnant.

Perhaps N’awlins isn’t a market that Boortz has deemed worthy of his concern or insight, but you can only marvel at this man’s sense of reasoning, which is (to put it as delicately as possible) certifiably batshit crazy:

Odd, isn’t it, that two million could get on the National Mall for Barack Obama’s inauguration without any public transportation, but 80,000 couldn’t get out of New Orleans with four days warning and busses and trains running.

No, we don’t get the comparison either.
But it appears that poor Boortz has trouble comprehending how some 1.8 million people from various locations outside of the nation’s capital and more than two months to make travel arrangements got to Washington, D.C.—despite the fact that the Washington Post reported how the day’s “transportation plan worked as well as it did because the planners fully exploited the Washington region’s biggest transportation asset: the Metrorail system.”
In addition to neglecting the Metrorail’s “highest ridership day in its three-decade history,” Boortz’s assertion of “four days warning” also ignores that a voluntary evacuation order from Mayor Ray Nagin came only one day before Katrina was upgraded to a Category 5 storm, and a mandatory evacuation wasn’t ordered until the eve of the storm’s initial landfall in Louisiana. (The entire timeline of the saga is here.)
Oh, and those “busses” and trains were running, you say?
According to his bio, Boortz’s aliases also include “Mighty Whitey and The High Priest of The Church of the Painful Truth,” although his website should be updated so that “Misinformed Douchebag” is first and foremost on that list.

Douchebag of the Week (Aug. 22-28)

This heartwarming tweet from talk show host Neal Boortz comes via Tumblr’s abbyjean:

Boortz has also called the overwhelmingly black, poor victims of the Katrina disaster in New Orleans “human parasites” and “deadbeats,” even suggesting that a victim of Hurricane Katrina consider prostitution instead of “sucking off taxpayers.” Although Katrina’s devastation cost this nation $80 billion, killed thousands, and displaced a million people, Boortz believes “Katrina cleansed New Orleans.” (thinkprogress)

not just douchey, repugnant.

Perhaps N’awlins isn’t a market that Boortz has deemed worthy of his concern or insight, but you can only marvel at this man’s sense of reasoning, which is (to put it as delicately as possible) certifiably batshit crazy:

Odd, isn’t it, that two million could get on the National Mall for Barack Obama’s inauguration without any public transportation, but 80,000 couldn’t get out of New Orleans with four days warning and busses and trains running.

No, we don’t get the comparison either.

But it appears that poor Boortz has trouble comprehending how some 1.8 million people from various locations outside of the nation’s capital and more than two months to make travel arrangements got to Washington, D.C.—despite the fact that the Washington Post reported how the day’s “transportation plan worked as well as it did because the planners fully exploited the Washington region’s biggest transportation asset: the Metrorail system.”

In addition to neglecting the Metrorail’s “highest ridership day in its three-decade history,” Boortz’s assertion of “four days warning” also ignores that a voluntary evacuation order from Mayor Ray Nagin came only one day before Katrina was upgraded to a Category 5 storm, and a mandatory evacuation wasn’t ordered until the eve of the storm’s initial landfall in Louisiana. (The entire timeline of the saga is here.)

Oh, and those “busses” and trains were running, you say?

According to his bio, Boortz’s aliases also include “Mighty Whitey and The High Priest of The Church of the Painful Truth,” although his website should be updated so that “Misinformed Douchebag” is first and foremost on that list.

09/02/2009 09:52
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Douchebag of the Week (Aug. 15-21)

Does anybody remember a time not so long ago when we actually didn’t mind Brett Favre because he could pull off a movie cameo and memorably remind Matt Dillon’s character why he was in Miami? You could darn near say we loved the sumbitch after that.

Oh, but how times have changed. Nowaday, it’s an annual thing to see this blubbering mongoloid get all misty-eyed at the conclusion of a football season, pretend to wrestle with thoughts of retirement while avoiding any training camp and then, ultimately, announce he’s gotta come back because he just loves the game too much.

And you don’t just have to be an aficionado of the Green Bay Packers to be understandably irritated when the NFL’s premier prima donna gets the president of his fan club SI reporter Peter King to ask him fully-loaded questions that further fuel Favre’s attempted victimization.

From King’s Aug. 4 column after Favre announced he would not be playing for the Vikings:

Favre was down. He just sounded beat, like he had nothing left to give, and a little depressed. “I’m sure I’ll regret it down the road,” he said.

I asked him about the toll this had taken on his reputation. “Two years ago you were ‘Sportsman of the Year’ and an American folk hero,” I said. “Now there are kids and adults who are sick of you, who don’t love you anymore. How does it feel?”

“Well, then they really didn’t love me in the first place,” he said.

Oh, and just to clarify, Favre wanted everybody to know this had nothing to do with “revenge against the Packers” or “getting back at [Green Bay GM] Ted Thompson”—which is good, because those two rather important groups weren’t mentioned in the question either, but it’s nice to know that this yearly charade certainly has nothing to do with them. And when he announced his inevitable return on Aug. 18—nearly one week after training camp’s conclusion, of course—the headline declared “this is not about revenge.” Indeed, it all now has to do entirely with feeding Brett Favre’s massive ego and hoping that some city somewhere every season will be willing to play along with this tired routine.

Great athletes are forever indebted to the cities whose fans supported them by purchasing tickets and wearing their jerseys. While Brett Favre now seems fully intent on donning a new uniform every year for his No. 4, he’s also committed to becoming No. 1 among douchebags.

08/25/2009 12:03
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Douchebag of the Week (August 8-14)
May William F. Buckley’s conservative soul rest in peace, but you have to love that the Wikipedia section devoted to National Review in “popular culture” contains a film that’s more than a quarter-century old.
Not that editor Rich Lowry doesn’t try to stay relevant, of course. As a matter of fact, TPMMuckraker reported on Aug. 11 that Lowry actually offered to help make a push for former Karl Rove aide/ex-“cager” Tim Griffin when the Bush Administration sought some positive spin when doing a little housecleaning that, oh, “raised doubts about the integrity of Department prosecution decisions.”
And then of course they asked, “Anyone better?”
We’re not entirely sure of the accuracy in “the Effete Douchebag Index” one actual National Review reader used while pleading for Lowry to be canned, but it’s encouraging to see that these things are being noticed.

Douchebag of the Week (August 8-14)

May William F. Buckley’s conservative soul rest in peace, but you have to love that the Wikipedia section devoted to National Review in “popular culture” contains a film that’s more than a quarter-century old.

Not that editor Rich Lowry doesn’t try to stay relevant, of course. As a matter of fact, TPMMuckraker reported on Aug. 11 that Lowry actually offered to help make a push for former Karl Rove aide/ex-“cager” Tim Griffin when the Bush Administration sought some positive spin when doing a little housecleaning that, oh, “raised doubts about the integrity of Department prosecution decisions.”

And then of course they asked, “Anyone better?”

We’re not entirely sure of the accuracy in “the Effete Douchebag Index” one actual National Review reader used while pleading for Lowry to be canned, but it’s encouraging to see that these things are being noticed.

08/24/2009 14:02
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Douchebag of the Week (August 1-7)
This is Washington Post employee Ian Shapira, and we’re hoping that he doesn’t think we’re going to be paying him for using this photo. But Ian appears to be kind of new to this whole internet thing—or at least that’s what you’d have to assume when he originally became “a bit triumphant” about Gawker using his otherwise forgettable story. (Note which one you’d rather read.)
Shapira actually went on to author a piece entitled “The Death of Journalism (Gawker Edition)” in which he more or less proposed we rewrite the First Amendment. (We hope Ian doesn’t mind us taking perhaps nine seconds to summarize something he probably spent a far greater number of “painstaking” hours on.) Even former WaPo Executive Editor Jim Brady didn’t see what Shapira was getting at.
When he ended by inviting Gawker to do a number on that piece as well (their logical response is here, but the funnier one is here), Shapira suggested “Whiny WashPost Reporter Makes His Point: Respect the Genuine Article.” But by ignoring the increased readership Gawker got him and getting angry only after his editor asked him to, the only point Shapira made was to respect the fact that he was a clueless douchebag.

Douchebag of the Week (August 1-7)

This is Washington Post employee Ian Shapira, and we’re hoping that he doesn’t think we’re going to be paying him for using this photo. But Ian appears to be kind of new to this whole internet thing—or at least that’s what you’d have to assume when he originally became “a bit triumphant” about Gawker using his otherwise forgettable story. (Note which one you’d rather read.)

Shapira actually went on to author a piece entitled “The Death of Journalism (Gawker Edition)” in which he more or less proposed we rewrite the First Amendment. (We hope Ian doesn’t mind us taking perhaps nine seconds to summarize something he probably spent a far greater number of “painstaking” hours on.) Even former WaPo Executive Editor Jim Brady didn’t see what Shapira was getting at.

When he ended by inviting Gawker to do a number on that piece as well (their logical response is here, but the funnier one is here), Shapira suggested “Whiny WashPost Reporter Makes His Point: Respect the Genuine Article.” But by ignoring the increased readership Gawker got him and getting angry only after his editor asked him to, the only point Shapira made was to respect the fact that he was a clueless douchebag.

08/24/2009 13:12
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Douchebag of the Week (July 25-31)

Behold Tennesee’s Sen. Paul Stanley. That’s him and his family back in happier times, because just like every other anti-gay marriage, pro-abstinence Republican, he was always on the moral highground:

“The best home environment is one where mom and dad are there,” Stanley said. “When you’re married, there’s a commitment there.”

But on July 28, Stanley had to announce he was resigning from his position because of two folks he’d brought into his committed home environment. That gentleman in the mug shot on the lower left is Joel Watts, charged with extortion for threatening to make public some rather revealing photos he had that were taken in the senator’s apartment.

Those photos involved one Watts’ girlfriend/Stanley’s intern, McKenzie Morrison, naked in Stanley’s bedroom. She’s an innocent bystander in all of this, of course, seeing as at least this time her boyfriend didn’t beat an elderly man with a hammer.

But the real kicker had to be hearing that Stanley’s pension will be paying the evangelical Christian an all-too-heavenly $666 a month.

Anotherfamily first” douchebag exposed for the utter fraud he is? Praise the Lord!

08/24/2009 13:11
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Behold, Mt. Douchemore (via alexblagg)

Behold, Mt. Douchemore (via alexblagg)

08/13/2009 21:24
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